It's Not Over 'Till the Skinny Girl Emotes
by darthsydious
Summary: Parody found in my parody folder on my flash-drive. Just plain old insanity. Written years, and years and years ago when I went by the screenname "Lover of Roses Red", so no, I didn't steal it.
1. Chapter 1

_This was written YEARS ago by myself and my sister. Actually, about 2004, a very short while after the movie came out. Enjoy. Don't take seriously, you might hurt yourself._**  
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**SCENE: OLD RAOUL, FLYING NUN, and CHAUFFER get out of car to enter the dismal blackness of the old, decrepit OPERA POPULAIRE**

RAOUL: I'm just here to get a music box, you gonna auction that off anytime soon or what?

AUCTIONEER (WHO RESEMBLES Mr. Poe from ASOUE a great deal): YOU'LL GET WHAT I PRESENT! NOW SHUT UP! Next on the list, a rotting old poster of some broad who once sang, but everyone hated! Who wants it?

SOME MAN: (raises hand)

AUCTIONEER: Anyone at all? Aaaannnyone at all?

SOME MAN: HERE YOU DOLT!

AUCTIONEER: SOLD! To the very rude man! (Polite clapping)

RAOUL: A collectors piece indeed-

FLYING NUN: (Whacks him) Not now!

RAOUL: SHUT UP! I can do what-ever I want! I'M a Count!

EXTRA#45: Like the Count on Sesame Street?

RAOUL: . . . No.

EXTRA#45: Oh.

AUCTIONEER: ANYWAY. Now I'm selling a Monkey music box-

RAOUL: Monkey!

MADAME GIRY: I WANT THE MONKEH!

AUCTIONEER: FIFTEEN FRANCS THEN!

MADAME GIRY: ME!

RAOUL: TWENTY!

MADAME GIRY: TWENTY FIVE!

RAOUL: THIRTY!

MADAME GIRY: Oh wait; I have one just like it. Never mind, he can have it.

RAOUL: THIRTY FIVE!

AUCTIONEER: UM, Count de Chagny-

RAOUL: FORTY!

FLYING NUN: Sir-

RAOUL: FORTY-FIVE AND THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER! (Folds arms across chest)

AUCTIONEER: (Sigh) Oookaaaay then, sold, to the Count de Chagny.

RAOUL: *fistpump* PWNED! Looks up hopefully at FLYING NUN) Now?

FLYING NUN: (sigh) YES, now.

RAOUL: YAY! (sings) A collector's piece indee-

AUCTIONEER: Now then! (Raoul glares) A giant, busted up chandelier, too big for anyone's foyer, bidding starts now.

Silence

AUCTIONEER: We...um, added some new bulbs, and re-wired some parts!

SOME MAN: You didn't even dust it off!

AUCTIONEER: (puts hands on hips and makes face) Picky, picky!

PHANTOM: (Somewhere in the opera catacombs) HEY! THEY SOLD MY MONKEH!

PERSON IN AUDIENCE: Of course they did, you're evil!

WOMAN'S VOICE: Yeah!

PHANTOM: No I'm not! I'll show you! SHAZAMM! (Slaps hands together and strange wind blows the dust and dirty rags around, supposedly "Clearing away" the mold and filth.)

RANDOM PEOPLE: XO *Cough* Choke* *HAAAAAAACK!*

PHANTOM: Since my organ is BROKEN, I'll just HUM! (Jumps onto broken stage) DUN! DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! (Opera goes back to pretty old self)

OPERA POPULAIRE: WHEEEE! I'M PRETTY AGAIN!

Soon, A REAL orchestra takes over

POTO FANS: GAWD! FINALLY!

PHANTOM: Hey!

And we pan over the Opera House full of drunken men and women in costumes, so that makes it "Art". They are in the middle of rehearsals.

**SCENE: 1872, OPERA POPULAIRE STAGE, HANNIBAL SET  
**CHRISTINE and MEG are standing to one side in their sports bras and tissue paper skirts, we also notice that Meg needs better support. RAOUL enters when he is introduced, hair fluttering in the wind. CHRISTINE'S eyes light up.

CHRISTINE: It's Raoul!

MEG looks up from her boobs and sees the Vicomte.

CHRISTINE: Before my father died, at the house by the sea…I guess you could say we were childhood sweethearts. He called me "Little Lotte".

MEG: (Eyes have lustful gleam) Dang, Vicomte! Look atcho fine –

CHRISTINE looks over, shocked.

MEG: Oops. (Looks back at her, eyes wide and innocent) Oh, Christine, he's so handsome! Won't we make the most adorable couple at the Bal Masque?

CHRISTINE: Ex-cuse me? I give you my life story with this guy and you think you're going out with him? I don't think so!

MEG: (backing up, waving her fingers) Bring it, tramp.

CHRISTINE: Why, you - !

A catfight begins – scratching, hair pulling, bra snapping, the works. The MANAGERS lean in to get a good view. CHRISTINE wraps MEG'S hair ribbon around her neck and begins choking her. MEG grabs the strings of CHRISTINE'S corset and pulls, her foot in the middle of CHRISTINE'S back. CHRISTINE turns blue.

MADAME GIRY: We take particular pride in the excellence of our ballets, Messieurs.

ANDRE: (Appreciatively) I see why!

**SCENE: OPERA STAGE-**

CHRISTINE is singing like a big singing soprano in a push-up corset, men leer, women slap the men who leer, RAOUL, who isn't near any women to slap him, drools.

PERSON IN BOX BENEATH RAOUL'S: (looks up) HEY!

RAOUL: Oops, sorry! (Wipes drool)

CHRISTINE: Think of me!

Think of me waking pretty, and so fine!

Imagine me! Trying real hard to picture

you all mine! I need no blush, 'cause I get

red enough, when I imagine me as thine!

There will never be a day, when I won't neeEEEEd YOUUUUUUUUUU!

PHANTOM: *Manly sob!* I'm so proud!

RAOUL: (sings) Can it be? Can it be Christine?

SOMEONE IN AUDIENCE: YES YOU MORON! DIDN'T YOU READ THE FLIPPIN' PROGRAM?

RAOUL: No.

CHRISTINE: Flowers are pretty, but they will soon die

They have expiration dates like us! But please promise

me that sometimes, you will kiiiss - La la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa, La la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa La la la la la la la la laaaa laaaa laaaaaaaaaaa, KiiiiiiiIIIIIIIS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

]

**SCENE: OPERA CHAPEL**

CHRISTINE sits on the floor in front of her father's picture, trying to look picturesque among the dirt and grime.

CHRISTINE: Ew, someone's band-aid.

PHANTOM: (To himself) _That's_ where I dropped it!

(Meg enters)

MEG: Christiiine, Chriiiisstiiiiiiine,

PHANTOM: (whisperey soft) ...

CHRISTINE: *looks around, panicked* OMG is there a snake in here?

PHANTOM: *facepalm* NO.

CHRISTINE: Oh! *Gigglesnort* Hi Daddy.

MEG: (Sings sweetly) Where in the world have you been hiding! Really you were perfect!

CHRISTINE: (flips hair) I know!

MEG: (Slightly annoyed) Anyway, so who's the new tutor guy who I never heard of? I want details!

CHRISTINE: Faaaaaaaaaaather once spoke of an Angeeeeeel!

Meg: (Rolls eyes) Here we go again.

CHRISTINE: He teaches me stuff, and he watches me ALL the time! He's my protector/teacher/daddy!

MEG: Oh Christine, those stage lights must've fried your tiny brains (Pries CHRISTINE'S fingers off the little picture) now...UGH! Let's...ERG...leave...the creepy...Ooof...chapel!

.

CHRISTINE: (Scream-sings) ANGEL OF MUSIC GUIDE AND GAURDIAN! GRAAAAAAAAAANT TO ME YOUR GLOOOOORRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY!

MEG: *Facepalm*

PHANTOM: *Does silly little dance*

CHRISTINE: Wait! He's with me! Right now!

MEG: Hey, are you anemic? You're really pale…

CHRISTINE: It frightens me!

MEG: Don't be scared! I bet he's hot!

CHRISTINE: You think?

MEG: What? You think it's gonna be some deformed freak that is totally obsessed with you and exploited your beloved child-hood memories to get you in bed?

CHRISTINE: You're right! It IS ridiculous!

PHANTOM: *Huff* Not THAT ridiculous.

**SCENE: CARLOTTA'S DRESSING ROOM**  
CHRISTINE sits at the mirror, mesmerized by the PHANTOM'S rose, mumbling softly to herself.

CHRISTINE: (Whispering) And she wanted to know all about you, but I wouldn't tell her about how I talk to you all the time, even when you're not –

RAOUL enters with a five foot bouquet. He tries to sneak in so he can give CHRISTINE a raspberry on the neck, but his flowers get stuck.

RAOUL: UG! Uh! (Various grunts as he pulls the flowers through the door. He finally gets in.) Whew. (Puts on Prince Charming face and turns on the baby blues.) Little Lotte let her mind wander –

CHRISTINE: (Screams) You've got the wrong room, mister!

RAOUL: (Looks confused, continues on desperately) Little Lotte thought, am I fonder of dolls –

CHRISTINE: (Remembering) Oooooh, that's right – I'm Lo – and he – okaaay. I get it now. (Eyes light up.) Raoul!

**SCENE: CARLOTTA'S DRESSING ROOM**  
CHRISTINE: Hmm, I wonder if I should wear my new undies – (Begins looking for her Victorian Secret corset)

PHANTOM: Look at your face in the mirror, I am there inside!

CHRISTINE sees the PHANTOM appear slowly, and sees that he is very good looking for a disfigured weirdo.

CHRISTINE: WOO! Baby!

She dashes to the mirror, slams into it before he can open it and is knocked out cold.

PHANTOM: Oh, great, now I gotta carry her all the way DOWN! (Thinks a moment, starts to hum a tune) once more to the…cellar of my de-press-ion – well, I'll work on it.

Flings her over his shoulder and starts through the corridor, unaware that the CANDLE PEOPLE (mysterious beings in the Opera House, closely related to the GOLDEN NECK-ED LADIES and the NIPPLE PAINT MEN.) have torched CHRISTINE'S hair.

PHANTOM: (Sniff, sniff) I smell smoke. (Looks behind him and sees her hair.) OH CRAP! (Throws her down and stomps her hair out.) Phew!

CHRISTINE comes to.

CHRISTINE: Oh, my head. It – (feels the Rice Crispie part of her wig - uh, hair) What the heck did you do to my hair?

PHANTOM: Uuuhhhh…I am your Angel of Musiiiiic. COME to me, Angel of Musiiiiic.

CHRISTINE falls over again, stoned out of her mind by the Phantom's voice.

PHANTOM: Heh, heh, works every time.

**SCENE: PHANTOM'S LAIR**  
CHRISTINE has just finished belting out her finale and PHANTOM has finished his electric guitar solo; jumps out of the boat and smashes his guitar.

PHANTOM: OH YEAH! (He flings his cloak off. Singing softly) I have brought you –

CHRISTINE: Excuse me? You just throw your things on the ground?

PHANTOM: What?

CHRISTINE: Pick that up! What, were you brought up in a barn?

PHANTOM: No, a sewer.

CHRISTINE climbs out of the boat, ignoring him.

CHRISTINE: And while we are on the subject, your whole place is a pigsty. (She pulls white gloves out of nowhere and swipes her hand along the organ.) Disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

PHANTOM: (Standing on the landing, arms open, mid song) Um, what are you doing?

CHRISTINE goes back to the gondola and begins pulling out cleaning supplies from under the seat.

PHANTOM: Where did those come from?

CHRISTINE: I stowed them under the seat when you weren't looking.

She pulls a garbage bag out, opens it and sweeps all his papers into it.

PHANTOM: HEY! That took me five years to write! FIVE YEARS!

CHRISTINE: Yeah? And it stinks, like your lake.

PHANTOM grabs his head and counts to ten.

CHRISTINE: (as she dumps his dollhouse into another bag) You know, for an Angel of Music, you sure do live like a smelly teenage boy. Hey, what about these drawings? Keep? Chuck? Hmm? (Waving papers as PHANTOM rubs his temples.)

**SCENE: PHANTOM'S LAIR**  
The lair is now clean to CHRISTINE'S satisfaction, on to the tour!

PHANTOM: This is my cave –

CHRISTINE: Oo.

PHANTOM: My dolls –

CHRISTINE: Nice.

PHANTOM: My organ, oh, yeah, my muuuusic –

CHRISTINE: Sweet.

PHANTOM: My "My Size Christine " doll –

CHRISTINE: What the – (faints)

PHANTOM: Dang, just when I was getting to the good stuff. Oh, well, at least now I can steal her stockings.

**SCENE: BALLET DORMATORIES**  
JOSEPH BUQUET, who bears a striking resemblance to Kevin 'Badger' McNally, has finished his "scary story hour" for the BALLET TARTS when MADAME GIRY steps in.

MADAME GIRY: (PO-ed because – well, know one knows why. She just always is.) Joseph Buquet, hold your tongue! (Slaps him.)

BUQUET: *whining* Just talkin' 'bout the Opera Ghost!

BALLET TARTS: (nodding) We can dig it.

**SCENE: PHANTOM'S LAIR**  
CHRISTINE wakes up in PHANTOM'S lair. Gazing at her fantastical surroundings, she sings in wonderment:

CHRISTINE: I remember there was mist…swirling mist upon a vast glassy lake. (Leaves bedchamber) There wer – wah…uh –

PHANTOM: I'm too sexy for my cloak, too sexy for my vest, too sexy for my cravat, so sexy (He jumps on top of his organ and is now shaking his hips, blissfully unaware that Christine is watching.) Too sexy for my gondola, too sexy for my opera – (notices CHRISTINE) too sexy for…um. (Jumps down and sits.)

Awkward pause.

PHANTOM: Ssooo, sleep okay?

CHRISTINE: Actually, no, I kept hearing the most awful screeching music.

PHANTOM: Oh, um, what did it sound like?

CHRISTINE: It went, "Here the sire may serve the dam, here the master takes his meat" yadda, yadda, yadda. Who writes this crap?

PHANTOM: Uh, must be from upstairs… *shifty eyes, grumbling to himself*

Another awkward pause.

CHRISTINE: Weeeell, I better get going. Oh! (Snaps her fingers, dashes over to the PHANTOM'S side and smiles sweetly.) Whose is the face in the mask? (Caresses his face, PHANTOM smiles smugly just before she rips his mask off) Loser!

PHANTOM: (Flips his head.) Tramp.

**SCENE: OPERA POPULAIRE FOYER**  
RAOUL, CARLOTTA and others have received their "fan mail" from O.G.

FIRMAN: (reading aloud) "Dear Firman, party last night was phat, like your beer belly. Christine was, in one word, FOXY! Needs to show a little more leg, though. Give the customers what I they want! By the way, Carlotta says your hair looks like a Brillo and you seriously need a waxing. No love, O.G." (Looks V. angry)

ANDRE: (reading aloud) "Dear Andre, Remember to take your Ritalin today –" Oops, wrong note. (Puts away pink paper with Cupid seal and takes out paper with skull seal) "Dear Andre, Rockin' shindig last night. It must have cost a fortune – MINE! Ghosts don't live on rats alone, you know – and if they do, it does on a job on the pipes, and I'm not talking about the organ." (Looks up.)

EVERYONE: (Realizing) Ewww.

RAOUL: (pulls out hair ribbon, bobby pins, Christine's false eyelash, and a receipt from the Fancy-Pants Flower and Chocolate Shoppe; under his breath) I paid that much for geraniums?

EVERYONE: WILL YOU GET ON WITH IT?

RAOUL: Sorry. (Finds note, reading aloud) "Dear Vicomte, Paws off Christine, you gunky. Your horses stink. Your hair is worse than Carol Brady's, Season 6. Buzz off and die plz. Hatefully, O.G." (Tears) Carol Brady? The _mom _mullet?

CARLOTTA and PIANGI: _BURN!_

MADAME GIRY: (Entering with MEG) 'Zee little tramp – I mean, Miss Daae 'as returned.

FIRMIN: I hope she's not too tired to sing tonight. (Looks pointedly at RAOUL who is crouched on the floor trying to fix his hair in the reflection of the marble.)

RAOUL: (Looks up, holding hair in two pigtails.) Better?

MEG: (Scrunching nose) Mmm – no. (Turns back to managers.) Yeah, she was really tired when she got back this morning – around three, I think.

EVERYONE: Ooooo! (Nudges and sly winks all around.)

RAOUL: Poor thing. I'd better go see - HEY!

**SCENE: PHANTOM'S LAIR**  
We pan into the PHANTOM'S candlelit lair, wonderful as it is mysterious. It is quiet, except for the sounds of dripping water. We see drawings, music, hundreds of candles. We see the PHANTOM sitting in front of his model of the Opera, and lovingly holding the figure of CHRISTINE and himself.

PHANTOM: (in a deep voice, bobbing the "PHANTOM" doll up and down) So, Christine, at last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you! The way I want to!

(in high-pitched voice) No! No, please, leave me alone!

(Trots a RAOUL figure into the scene, squeaky voice now) Hey!

(deep voice) FOP BOY! What are YOU doing here?

(squeaky voice) I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey!

(deep voice) Not if I can help it. Take that! And that and that! (Smashes RAOUL doll with his wax seal; brings in FIRMIN and ANDRE dolls, squeaky voices again) Hey! What did you do to our patron?

(Deep voice) Same thing I'm going to do to you, fat boy! And you! (Yanks heads off FIRMIN/ANDRE dolls and buries them in a candle; FIRMIN/ANDRE voice) Oh, oh, uhhhhh...

(deep voice) Now, my angel, at last we are alone.

(high-pitched voice) Oh, Angel, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! And yet, I'm strangely drawn to you.

(deep voice) That is because you are a hormonal teenager, and teenagers are always attracted to music and danger, and I have both, and you know it!

(high-pitched voice) No, leave me alone!

(deep voice) No, kiss me!

(high-pitched voice; smashing "PHANTOM" and "CHRISTINE" dolls together ) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, your mask is so white!

MADAME GIRY comes up behind him.

MADAME GIRY: Erik -

PHANTOM: WHAT? Knock on my mirror. Knock next time!

MADAME GIRY: Geeze, okay! So-rry!

PHANTOM: *pause* Did you see anything?

MADAME GIRY: *sigh* No Erik, I did not see you playing with your dolls again.

PHANTOM: GOOD!

**SCENE: OPERA POPULAIRE ROOFTOP**  
CHRISTINE: Oh, I'm freezing up here on this roof - and so scared of my Angel!

RAOUL: Oh, Christine, don't be worried. My hugs make all your problems go away. Here. (Hugs her.)

CHRISTINE: No not really. But I sure FEEL better! (snuggles)

RAOUL: Oh, Christine, I'll always take care of you. You're the best girlfriend in the deep blue sea! (Smoochie)  
GASP! Christine! You're cold! (Lovingly) Take my socks.

CHRISTINE: Eww!

A Little Later:

RAOUL and CHRISTINE: Share each day with me, each night, each morning.

RAOUL leans in for a big wet one.

CHRISTINE: Say you love me.

RAOUL: Duh.

BOTH: Love me, that's all I ask of you.

They kiss passionately. From off screen we can hear what sounds like sniffles and crying. CHRISTINE cracks an eye open.

CHRISTINE: What was that?

RAOUL: (his mouth full) Idunno.

They continue kissing while the PHANTOM now starts bawling and screaming.

PHANTOM: AAAUUGHH-WAAAHAAHAAAAAA!

CHRISTINE: Do you mind? We're trying to have a moment!

PHANTOM stops crying.

PHANTOM: Sorry, continue.

They resume kissing, come apart gasping for air, then resume kissing.

Five Minutes Later:

BOTH scream: ANYWHERE YOU GO LET ME GO TOO! (a window shatters) Love me, that's all I ask of you.

The couple skips off merrily, not noticing the PHANTOM, who was flung into a wall by CHRISTINE'S voice.

PHANTOM: Ow.


	2. Chapter 2

**SCENE: OPERA POPULAIRE FOYER, BAL MASQUE**  
CHRISTINE stands around by herself looking worried.

CHRISTINE: Well, I haven't seen my Angel in a while. I wonder what's happened. I hope he's not really mad at me for planning to get married and desert him forever, or something like that – because I still love him and everything…

RAOUL: Here's a ring, baby. (Steps aside so four workmen can maneuver a huge diamond rock into CHRISTINE'S little corner.)

WORKMAN NO. 1: Sign here.

CHRISTINE: Whoa. (Eyes have a glaze for a moment.) What was I saying?

RAOUL: Nothing. Lets boogie.

CHRISTINE: (sticking rock in cleavage.) Okay, just don't kiss me or touch me or anything, no one is supposed to know we're engaged.

EVERYONE: MASQUERADE! (Repeat 28 times)

RAOUL and CHRISTINE: (Kissy, kissy!)

FAN DANCERS: (do "the robot" with fans and masks, which therefore makes it "cool")

PHANTOM: (hiding behind the corner, watching) Cool, fan dancing! I am so there - uh, here! (Loudly) IT IS I!

EVERYONE: Poopyhead, you ruined our dance!

RAOUL: (to self) Oo, I have to wiz.

Giant thundering steps as PHANTOM descends the staircase. (RAOUL whispers something to CHRISTINE and she giggles)

PHANTOM: WHAT WAS THAT, HAIR BOW?

RAOUL: Um, nothing. (crossing legs)

CHRISTINE: What he said was, you need to lose some weight otherwise he's gonna have to replace the steps soon...

PHANTOM: (shoots flame eyes at RAOUL)

RAOUL: I have to go to the bathroom - I mean, get my sword! To kill you - yes, to kill you! Wait right here, everyone - DON"T MOVE! (Runs away)

PHANTOM: Yeah, right. (falls down secret trap door through flames, catches on fire) CURSE YOU, STYLISH RED TRAIN! I knew I should have stuck with the chapel length.

**SCENE: MADAME GIRY'S FLAT**  
RAOUL: Please, Madame Giry, for all our sakes…what is the deal with this guy?

MADAME GIRY: Ah don't know.

RAOUL gives her a Look.

MADAME GIRY: Oh, fine. He had a great career in a freak show, but lost everything when he killed his boss and ran away. I tried to get him a job here, but all he wanted to do was sit in the basement, play his electric guitar and draw cartoons.

RAOUL: I thought he played the harpsichord and designed costumes.

MADAME GIRY: Whatever. He's smart, he's real smart, okay?

RAOUL: (Still thinking) Well, that would account for the "horrible, screeching" music everyone's been complaining about…

**SCENE: OPERA POPULAIRE STABLES**  
Christine comes out in shawl and nightdress and approaches a coachman.

CHRISTINE: Are you sober?

COACHMAN: Ooohyeeeeeeeah. I can take yous anywhere you gatta go…

CHRISTINE: Good. I want you to take me to the biggest, mistiest, creepiest graveyard in town. Here's a quarter for your trouble. (Hurries off to steal/borrow a dress – more lessons learned from the Angel.)

COACHMAN: Okay. (Gets knocked out from behind.)

PHANTOM: (laughing evilly) Ehhehe – hey look, a quarter!

**SCENE: GRAVEYARD**  
PHANTOM is in the Daae tomb, getting her father's violin, and trying to apply some of the things CHRISTINE taught him while down in his lair.

PHANTOM: Eeeearrgh! (Shoves the lid of the coffin open) HOLY CRAP! (Holds his nose.) Oh for the love of – (takes another whiff) WOOO! Smells like Teen Spirit , (looks at camera) which we all know is the worst smell of all! (Sets about getting the violin)

PHANTOM: Okey-dokey, then. (puts on rubber gloves over his leather ones) Oh, ew. Oh, gross – it's all dead and corpse-y! (Dances around on his tiptoes.) I need my Lysol. Lysol, Lysol…(remembers he left it back in the carriage) Awwww! Maybe there's still some time before –

CHRISTINE: (Still unaware of what's going on in her father's tomb – she's singing too loud to hear anything anyway) Help me saaaaaay goodBYYYYYYYYYYYE. (Sits on the steps sniffling, and pulls a hankie out of her dress.)

PHANTOM: Oh, no! I can't play this; I need disinfectant, I –

CHRISTINE: (To herself, in irritation.) I am almost having to wait here. Some man better come and either seduce or serenade me or I'm going to be sitting here all day.

PHANTOM: (rolls his eyes) Aw, heck. (starts playing on a very dirty violin)

**SCENE: GRAVEYARD**  
RAOUL comes riding up, dismounts incorrectly in his haste and kicks his horse in the head. Horse screams in pain.

RAOUL: Oops. Honey, wait!

CHRISTINE: Huh, what? Oh, hi sweetie. (Pause) I won't comment on the fact that you are out here in the freezing cold with nothing but pants, shirt and sword – (grin) because I can see right through your shirt.

RAOUL: And I won't saying anything about how stupid it is for an opera singer to be out walking with her chest exposed in sub-zero temperatures and mist. Besides, I can see down your dress.

CHRISTINE: Heehee! (Kisses him) So, what are you doing here?

RAOUL: (Distracted with sliding his sword out of the sheath and admiring how shine-y and sharp it is.) What? Oh, yeah – (yelling urgently) Your Angel of Music is a stalking, murdering psychopath!

CHRISTINE: GASP! _No!_

RAOUL: YES!

PHANTOM: (jumps down with a cry) Fop Boy!

RAOUL: Dark Cape!

PHANTOM: (Smoldering, angry glare) We meet again.

RAOUL: (Puzzled) We never met in the first place.

PHANTOM: (drops the angry face, looking surprised) Oh, really? How'd you do, my name's Phantom. My friends call me O.G. So do my enemies, actually.

RAOUL: (shaking his hand.) G.

PHANTOM: Aren't you cold with no coat on?

RAOUL: Yeah, my buns are freezing…

PHANTOM: You know, you should consider a cape - they really are quite -

CHRISTINE: (watching the two of them shoot the breeze) Ohhhhhmygawd!

**SCENE: OPERA POPULAIRE CHAPEL, BEFORE DON JUAN**  
CHRISTINE: (Whisper-y and scared) I don't think I can do this.

RAOUL: (Very gently) Sweetie, what's the worst that could happen?

CHRISTINE: He'll capture me, separate us, and I'll be forced to live underground and be his singing slave forever.

RAOUL: (Thinks a long moment.) Oh. (Looks down at his watch.) Curtain goes up in ten minutes.

CHRISTINE: Oo, time to get dressed!

**SCENE: PHANTOM'S LAIR**  
PHANTOM: (Dragging Christine down) How many times have I told you not to touch my mask? Now you are going to live underground and think about what you've done!

CHRISTINE: Aw, man. (Kicks a rock)

They arrive in the PHANTOM'S lair.

CHRISTINE: Sooo…what happens now? Do you like, kill me, rape me, what? Something's gotta happen.

PHANTOM: (Sniffing over CHRISTINE'S rock) I've never been with a woman. It's this face! I'll bet that's why you won't sleep with me.

CHRISTINE: Um, hellloo – maybe you're just a _freak?_

PHANTOM: (looks at her) Um, thanks for that.

Waiting for something to happen – nothing does. PHANTOM plays with the ring. Drops it. Bends down to pick it up. CHRISTINE sits down on the ground with her hands under her chin and pops her lip.

CHRISTINE: Sigh. (looks at ceiling)

RAOUL: (Arriving, singing) Let her go!

CHRISTINE: (jumping up) Hey, yeah, let me go!

PHANTOM: I will not let you go!

RAOUL and CHRISTINE: Let her/me go!

PHANTOM: I will not let you go!

ALL: Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia let me go!

PHANTOM: Hey, what the - ? Shut up! You're distracting me! I hate it when you do that!

RAOUL and CHRISTINE smile smugly at each other and giggle.

PHANTOM: (focused now) Now, M. le Vicomte, I will keel you! Haha! (Throws a rope around RAOUL'S neck)

RAOUL: Well, that was unexpected.

PHANTOM: (Grinning evilly) Now I've got you!

CHRISTINE: You're mean and I hate you!

PHANTOM: Who cares? Listen, babe, here's the dealio – you stay here and be my woman, or Foppy here gets his dead body thrown into the stagnant lake!

RAOUL and CHRISTINE: Eeew. (They look at each other a moment and start talking at the same time)

CHRISTINE: Sweetie – maybe I better go with him – RAOUL: Maybe – oh, go ahead.

CHRISTINE: …that lake is totally full of gross stuff. I was going to put some Mr. Yuk stickers up, but I ran out of them.

RAOUL: Yeah, that lake is crawling with icky-ness. I could catch his deformity, and that would ruin my perfect face.

MADAME GIRY and PHANTOM: Deformities aren't contagious!

**SCENE: PHANTOM'S LAIR**  
RAOUL is tied to the gate, CHRISTINE is finished kissing the PHANTOM and is reapplying her lip-smackers chapstick, and the PHANTOM is stumbling back to his room/cave thingy.

CHRISTINE: (smacks lips) Mmm. Want some Raoul?

PHANTOM: Take her, forget me! Forget all of this! (Stomps off to his room, slams the door.)

CHRISTINE stares after him for a moment before rushing off to untie RAOUL.

CHRISTINE: Oh, Raoul, once I untie you we can – what the heck? Stupid rope, come on! (She yanks the rope, which is around his neck, unaware that he is turning blue.)

RAOUL: Gack! Uh, (gag) sweetie, wrong rope! (Haaaaack!)

CHRISTINE: Eeeew! Raoul, that's really gross; now let me figure this out. Lets see, bunny through the hole – no, no, that's not it...

She finally unties RAOUL, who now has a very red neck.

CHRISTINE: (Disgustedly) Honey, we really gotta get that rash checked out. Buquet had one just like it before he died. Oh. (looks at huge rock once again decorating her…urm…_décolletage_.) Wait here.

Runs back into cave/bedroom to give ring to the Phantom.

CHRISTINE: (Yanking ring out) Ug. Here.

PHANTOM: You rip my heart out and then you give me a ring?

CHRISTINE: Well, it's better than a pen. Besides: (steps back and makes big, Broadway hand movements) Diamonds are a ghost's best friend! (Seeing that her attempt to cheer him is not working) Okaaaay then... (Walks away sadly)

PHANTOM: (Cries quietly over ring) Oh, Christine. I will always love you. My soul is bound to yours – we are destined to –

His voice is cut off by the sound of a motor starting up on the gondola.

CHRISTINE: (As the boat burns out) WOOOHOOHOOHOOO!

PHANTOM: Crap.

And they all lived happily ever after! Oops, wait...

**So much later that they could no longer afford color for the film and had to switch to B&W:  
**A wrinkled PRUNE with a black coat and hat – oh, no wait, it's RAOUL – RAOUL walks sadly up to a huge gravestone and sets down a McDonald's Teenie Beanie Baby. NURSE and CHAUFFER eat fries out of a crumpled bag.

RAOUL: Sorry, honey – they didn't have any lead monkeys at the auction. But Jeeves, Prudie and I got hungry so we stopped for a bite and look! It's _sort of_like a lead music box! (Sets it down. Looks at her portrait for a moment, tears come to his eyes. Feel bad, everyone, feel bad!)

Raoul steps back and gathers himself when he notices an OBJECT on the grave – peering curiously at it, we see his POV and make out a rose –

RAOUL: (Picking up rose tied with filmy, lacey fabric, reads card attached) "Dear Christine, Sorry, I had to hock your ring but custom leather masks and silk lined capes don't grow on trees you know. Here are your stockings back as a symbol of my eternal love for you."

CUE Sad music/Fade OUT

SCENE: THEATRE, PHANTOM, on stage, in front of the screen, pointing at the rose and ring.

PHANTOM: So you SEE? _SEE?_ I _AM_ the good guy!

PERSON IN AUDIENCE: No you're not! You murdered TWO people, KIDNAPPED Christine TWICE, attempted murder on the Vicomte, AND live like a pig! HOW IS THAT GOOD?

WOMAN VOICE: Yeah!

PHANTOM: Who asked you anyway?

PERSON IN AUDIENCE: NO ONE! YOU JUST STARTED TALKING!

PHANTOM: ALL RIGHT! WHO IS THIS MORON THAT DARES TO INSULT ME? (Lights on auditorium flick on, revealing RAOUL and CHRISTINE sitting in the middle of the front row)

CHRISTINE/RAOUL: *waves* Hi there.

PHANTOM: *Facepalm* I give up.


End file.
